Hello Good People,
I haven't written to you in a while and quite honestly, I was a raving mess trying to hustle to organize a giant international tour without enough time, physical strength, resources, or emotional stability. Most of you know by now that I have postponed the tour one year. I will be leaving the states April 2015. I'm not going to focus on why I'm postponing the tour, but you'll get an idea from what I've been working on.
The first half of the tour ended with a break in Las Vegas. Soon after landing in Las Vegas, I started to process the information I had learned from having my head in a box. The transformation in the process has been incredible, with intense and devastating behavior patterns being lifted each week.
I haven't done this exploration and journey alone. Their have been a core few that I grabbed onto. These people are owed special thanks and are comprised of my new friend and all around favorite person (his happiness and simple understanding of people surpasses anyone I know), Harrison, my PR guy and mentor who's been pushing me to higher heights for years, Mark Fierro, my co-worker and new friend, Quinn, my best friend, Amos, and my great friend, Gia. It is within conversations with these people that a great deal of my transformation has taken place. Massive change has taken place.
The big break through was right before the artist talk. Harrison and I were talking about an interaction I had with an estranged uncle who had reached out. I shared with him the interactions and my history with this uncle. I explained that the discussed behavior is what I come from and that I hated it. I told him how this hate for what I come from results in a deep hate for myself since I demonstrate some of these patterns in my actions. I admitted that I've been fighting these behaviors with everything I have for a great deal of my life. Harrison's respond was to "break the ballaster".
What a simple yet profound idea. "Break the ballaster." Everything changed after this conversation. My way of visualizing my healing process shifted.
This was a few days/week before the artist talk and I started drawing out my new visual understanding of what I was experiencing. The language I began using was, foundation. I specifically was exploring broken foundation verse solid foundation using myself as the broken foundation model and Harrison as solid foundation, based off of his natural experience with happiness and compassion. I started mapping out exact communication flaws I am currently demonstrating and closing in on the foundational ground behind the beliefs. I realized that at the age 14/15, I shifted from a fight reaction to a flight reaction. This shift was caused by wanting to do good to my new born nephew and not having the ability to communicate my needs without fighting. When I made this shift, I unconsciously ingrained a foundation thought process that everyone I love is better off if I'm not around and that I'm Toxic.
With this realization, I looked back at my life choices to determine which ones have been based off this belief. I discovered that almost all of my major life decisions had been based off some form of belief that the people around me are better off when I'm not there, including my career choice to be an internationally renowned artist.
As one can imagine, this erupted a massive emotional break through which resulted in crying daily for almost three weeks. It was a different cry from before. I could feel a weight being released each day I cried and I continued my foundation work through the tears.
The next major breakthrough happened as I read, The Shack, by W.M. Paul Young. In it, Young describes trust as the knowingness that love exists within a relationship. To know it and feel safe within this knowingness; no doubt. I read this over and over again because I do not recall truly trusting anyone in this way. I'd like to think that when I was a young child this blind knowingness existed, but I do not recall a period in which I knew I was loved and safe.
When I looked back at how I related to people and romantic relationships in my life, it was obvious how this had effected them. Let's look back to Doug, one of his biggest complaints was that I did not trust that he had love for me. I never really believed he did. Whether or not he did is only something he can speak for, either way, I never internalized it. Same with Rich. Same with Russ. Same with any of my friends no matter how close we are. I never truly connected with anyone my whole life.
As I continued to explore this, I realized, I've never trusted myself either. I didn't know how to love myself. It never dawned on me before to believe in myself. Each time I realized a new avenue in which the pattern has affected me, more tears would stream down my face. Old tears. These tears were coming from the depth of my everything. The tears assured me I was hitting a cord. They were the indication that the subconscious was bridging into the conscious and that I was fighting it with all I had. The tears were deep emotional boxes being opened up and exposed for myself, but also for those core people to experience with me.
I wasn't fighting it in the same way I use to, with resistance and backing down. I let myself cry for weeks. I let myself dig deep into my soul, heal, and understand. Harrison, Amos, Quinn, Gia, and Mark have each been guiding me in their own ways. I've feel like I'm floating with little understanding of how to act. I'm mostly modeling my new foundation off of Harrison and Mark because they are the most positive people I know. I've been clingy at times, but I'll take you down that rabbit hole another day. I'm still trying to figure out how to have control of my communication. I'm in the middle of that now.
It was due to this sudden change of my internal circumstance that I needed to postpone the tour. My gut and every part of me was telling me that the internal work I'm doing right now is vital and can not wait. At this moment I'm experiencing a transformation that has already been the shift in whether I'm successful at my mission to teach happiness to people through creative exploration or not. I have been starting to enter a space in which I can be more of an educator than someone experiencing the challenges first hand. I have started to become grounded in myself. I am dependent on the people I listed above and at this point they have welcomed it, though, I have pushed Harrison out of my comfort zone on quite a few occasions, he handles it better than I would, hence why I'm modeling off of him.
My decision to postpone the tour was so that I can continue to learn how to open up to these core people with the goal to continue to open up to other good friends, family, and new people I meet. I'm developing a new foundation right now that will only strengthen the second half of the tour and grow my over all life success. Today, as I write this, I can honestly say I am more loving and understanding towards myself than I ever have been. I even had break throughs earlier today; I pushed too hard and for the first time, instead of having hate for myself towards my day and my communication within the day, I am recognizing what happened, where I went wrong in over communicating, that whether or not the other person is uncomfortable, I am, and that it's ok. If the recipient feels negatively towards the weirdness, I can't do anything about that. I'm weird sometimes. Especially right now, I'd like to think I'm weirder now than I will be in the future. I can't say I'm weirder now than I have been in the past, because I don't think that's true. I'm making steps, though. Usually, I would be really angry at myself and would have probably cried and panicked today. Instead, I read: "What Do You Care What Other People Think?" by Richard P. Feynman. I was so inspired I wrote this post. I did that instead of get mad at myself and cry, even though I kept being weird all day. I'm ok with being weird right now. This is new foundation.